"Deserve" is such a weird word. I always have a hard time repeating (and believing) positive affirmations on TikTok when they begin with "I deserve…" Who's to say that I actually should get the things I want? There are people who are a lot more intelligent, kind, talented, and ambitious than I am, who have worked a lot harder and struggled more, who never see their dreams come true. But I deserve to make it and they don't? It's almost arrogant to believe with certainty that there is something so special about me that the Universe must deliver everything I ask for.
Do people really think that life works this way? That if you repeat "I deserve [money/fame/success]" over and over into a mirror every morning, the cosmos will miraculously conspire to make it happen? While I dabble in the esoteric, I am not so delusional to regard life with such simplicity. If I've learned anything in these last two years post-grad, it's that you can do all the right things and still find yourself far from where you imagined you'd be. While others seem to blissfully cruise by and not spare anyone the Instagram stories to prove it, you struggle to make sense of the course your life is taking.
And, yes, I know that comparison is the thief of joy, and social media makes everything seem perfect, and everyone is on their own path and blah blah blah. But you'd be lying if you said you weren't also bothered by how other people seem to be lucky in ways that you aren't. Happiness is relative, yes. For some, all they need is a roof over their heads and a hot meal to be satisfied, while others hunger for world travel and deeper pockets. But it is also true that not everyone has equal access to the same comforts and opportunities, to no fault of their own.
Think of children living in war-torn countries who, from the moment of their birth, have only known pain and loss. Do they not have safety and peace because they don't deserve it, or are some people just born into devastating circumstances that undoubtedly dwindle their chances of a better future? What about people who possess massive talent but simply don't have the resources, opportunities, or connections to expose their gifts to the world? Are they less deserving than nepo babies who didn't choose the family they were born into but benefit grossly from them anyhow?
What I'm trying to say is that luck and circumstance play a massive role in the events that shape our lives. Being in the right place at the right time can make the difference between a future of success and one of struggle. Sitting next to the right person on the subway can get you the job of your dreams, and taking a different route home can cause you to bump into the love of your life. Similarly, a lack of financial resources can make you delay your studies and get swept up in unfulfilling work for the next 20 years, or an unexpected illness can leave you in massive debt and without the energy to pursue your goals.
It may be anti-Catholic (or faithless in general) to say this, but I think that a lot of life, most of life, is a series of random yet interconnected events that affect people in a variety of different ways. It's like we're all handed cards and it's our job to figure out how to play a good hand, only that somebody threw out the rule book, everyone's cheating, and some of us don't even know that it's all a big game.
But even as I say this, a part of me holds on to the hope that our stories have been written by a wise being who is secretly looking out for us. I have seen the way my problems are somehow always resolved, even when I was convinced a solution would be impossible to find. I have been graced by strokes of luck one too many times to completely deny the existence of a higher power pulling strings on my behalf.
Which leads me to amend my earlier statement by saying this: luck and circumstance may be out of our control, but our decisions, our ability to grow and evolve and adopt new perspectives, are our own. While there are forces at play bigger than any one individual (capitalism, patriarchy, greed, fascism, etc.), our power to make the best of what we've got is very hard to take away.
While I'm not totally convinced that I deserve any of the things I want, I know that I can create a life where I am fulfilled by what I do have. Love, purpose, safety, freedom. These are things that can be acquired, though for some of us the road to getting there may be longer and winding, and in many cases riddled with blockages and accidents that result in frequent stops and detours. Some of us don't ever get there. Others, the "lucky ones," enjoy a paved path leading directly to the finish line. Sometimes, they're given a pair of really good shoes to help them arrive faster and unharmed. Are any of us deserving of any one of these situations, or is life just kind of unfair?
These days, I struggle to balance unabashedly asking God for what I want while avoiding feeling entitled to receive anything at all. If you sense some Catholic guilt, it's because I have plenty of it. But more than that, I'm trying to find peace within my circumstances. I don't aim to be complacent or passive, but a little gratitude for the present while waiting for something better couldn't hurt.
Maybe I'm trying to prepare for the potential disappointment of not seeing my dreams come true, or maybe I'm realizing that life kind of makes no sense at all. But when I get to the age where my hair is gray, and my skin is wrinkly, and my memory starts to fade, I want to be able to say that, despite all the good and the bad and the unexpected, I tried my best and that it was enough.