The frost has thawed

or the winter is gone and so is my seasonal depression

Mar 18, 2025

Last week, the sun shone for what felt like the first time in months, sending down its warmth to the grateful people of New York City, me being one of them. Coming out of what have been some of the darkest, coldest winter months (both literally and emotionally), the sudden warmer weather was not only a signal of a new season, but of a new perspective. The moment the temperature reached 50 degrees, it was like the metaphorical bear in my head came out of hibernation, making me want to frolic in a light cardigan and smile at strangers. Everything that had been consuming my thoughts for the past six months, situations I couldn't make sense of, problems I didn't know how to solve, suddenly became very simple, the answers clear. That surge of vitamin D was so effective that I updated my resume, logged into my LinkedIn for the first time in months, and went for a walk to celebrate. As I wait for the climate to reach a toasty 75, here are some of the things my brain has been thinking about now that it has space to form coherent thoughts…

Around this time last year, I erratically began applying to grad school abroad. I googled universities with graduate programs related to writing and came up with a list of about 10. After filling out a few questions, submitting samples of my work, and reaching out to former professors for recommendation letters, I sent out my applications, shut my laptop, and waited to see what would happen. I was happily surprised weeks later when most of these universities offered me a place. At this point, I was very much unemployed and looking for any excuse to make a drastic change to my life, and what better way to do so than to move across the ocean!

Not giving much thought to how I would finance any of these plans, I accepted admittance to the University of Westminster in London and proceeded to tell anyone who would listen. Fast forward almost a year, and it turns out that such ventures take a lot of money, time, and preparation, three things which I failed to acquire. If I'm honest with myself, I applied to school for all the wrong reasons. I didn't have a burning passion to further my academic career or perfect my writing skills. And while the opportunity to live in London sounds good in theory, it's actually more complicated than getting on a plane and hoping things work out. I was irresponsible and naive in starting this process without being committed to seeing it through. Now I'm faced with having the "sooo about London…" conversation with everyone I know. Needless to say, I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but I haven't lost hope that one day I'll live in the land of baked beans on toast, just not anytime soon.

For the last few weeks, I've seen this TikTok trend where people advise others to dress according to the aesthetic of their rising sign in order to maximize their appearance and be their "true selves." I'll admit that at first, I did pause to think about whether the way I dress is that of a Gemini rising. I was almost convinced that they were onto something until three scrolls later when I saw someone else saying the same thing about moon signs, only this time, it was how you should be doing your makeup. It's trends like these that make me roll my eyes at the restlessness of social media. As if constantly consuming information and opinions from millions of people wasn't overwhelming enough, now I have to worry about how to best emulate my astrology chart?

People say your 20s are the best years of your life. You'll never be more beautiful or free from responsibility. So why does it feel like we're all rushing to get to a version of ourselves that only exists 40 years in the future? Someone wise and put-together, confident and unbothered, successful and content. Don't people know that getting there means getting older, fatter, and, dare I say, uglier? Of course, there are those people in their 60s and 70s who have aged beautifully. Their wrinkles are soft and graceful, sun spots sprinkled elegantly across their faces, and their gray hairs a testament to years of valuable experience rather than a sign of having let themselves go. But is that true for everyone? Do we all become glamorous seniors, or do we sag, droop, and drool like every other living thing that ages and dies?

I recently read a line from The Velveteen Rabbit that goes, "…once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand," and it perfectly sums up how exhausting it can be to be in constant pursuit of improvement. We're always trying to have more money, more friends, more clothes, more success, more beauty, that we eventually tire ourselves out. And if we are lucky enough to attain some or all of these things, they feel hollow once we have them. What else is left to do when you've got it all? What's the point of living a life without flaws or problems or challenges?

I won't say that I'm the most comfortable, unbothered person alive, but the thought of changing my whole appearance to match a version of myself that's supposed to be the ideal, only to do it again when the next trend comes around, sounds miserable. I'm not suggesting giving up on personal goals, because I think we all have things to work on and could do with trying to be kinder people, but progress for the sake of being the "best version" of yourself is a dead end. Put down your astrology chart, log out of TikTok, and go for a walk, babe.

Okay, this might be a little controversial, but I'm not mad at Blake Lively. Yes, I've seen the clips from those awkward interviews and can admit that she was rude, a bitch even, and I'm sure it's happened more times than have been caught on camera. It may even be true that she's a controlling person and that some people consider her difficult to work with. But is that enough to completely disregard the possibility that she may have actually been harassed/targeted/made to feel uncomfortable by a man?

If history has taught us one thing, it's that men are capable of anything, even of using their conventional attractiveness and charisma to convince the world that they're feminists when they're actually horrible misogynists. That's why when news broke of Justin Baldoni's alleged misconduct, I was not in the least bit surprised. What did surprise me, though it probably shouldn't have, was how quickly and intensely the internet rallied behind him. It was as if people had years worth of insults, critiques, and nasty comments saved up just for this moment. It reminds me of the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial from a couple of years ago. Back then, I remember thinking how disturbing it was that people could easily look past the sexually violent and disgustingly graphic texts he sent to his friend about her. Was no one perturbed by a man wanting to so badly hurt the woman who was his wife? But whether it was his looks, talent, or reputation as one of Hollywood's most lovable men, Mr. Depp walked away scot-free while Amber Heard had to move to a different country. But anywayyy…

This isn't to say that women aren't capable of doing bad things or being bad people. There's a good chance that I would dislike Blake Lively if I knew her in real life. But my point is that a woman doesn't have to be nice or likable to be believed when she speaks out against a man. More often than not, men use their social standing, good looks, and charming personalities to distract from their bad behavior, and it's worth considering whether it's happening in this case. If we can let men be obnoxious and rude and completely insufferable (insert any "creative" man who ever lived) and still celebrate them, then we can afford women the same grace.

One of the things I love most about being in my 20s is that almost anything can be used as an excuse for a night out—a birthday, a big move, a new job, and any and all holidays. This past Monday, it was St. Patrick's Day, so naturally, everyone and their mother went out the weekend prior. While I love the Irish, I have to say that I wasn't dying to spend $15 on a watered-down vodka cran only to spill it on my all-green outfit as I make my way through a sweaty crowd. I did, however, watch everyone else do so as I went home in my Uber at 9:30 pm after dinner on Saturday night. I knew that the streets would be filled with drunk people and that I, for once, wouldn't be one of them, but I wasn't prepared to feel a little left out. I may not be 21 anymore, but I thought I still had some years of stumbling out of bars left in me.

And yes, I know that I'm only 24 and that's super young and I have my whole life ahead of me and blah blah blah. But I still can't shake the feeling that maybe I'm missing out on consequential life experiences that can only be attained in a crowded bar with sticky floors listening to bad remixes of early 00s pop music. In reality, I love getting home by 10 pm, sitting down on my couch, and doing absolutely nothing with my night. I'm not truly missing anything; if I wanted to go out, I could do so at any time. I've also gone out enough to know that it's silly to expect every night to be the best one of my life. Sometimes, you just have an okay time and leave feeling like you should've stayed home, especially after waking up the next morning to your significantly lower bank account. These days, I'm a "sit down at a quiet bar, have a beer, and yap with friends" kind of girl, and I kind of love it.

My mom has always told me to keep my plans to myself, and until recently I never really listened. I was always under the impression that my friends would never be the ones to be envious or wish me harm, so I didn't have to worry about sharing things with them. And while I still believe that to be true, there's something to be said about having discretion. If not only to protect myself from people's unwanted opinions and perceptions, then to teach myself discipline. If I'm being honest, I do suffer from telling people things before they're certain, and then when they fall through, I'm left with the embarrassing task of having to walk it back. There's nothing wrong with sharing your dreams with people, I actually find it very encouraging to listen to the visions that other people have for their lives. But when it comes to specific plans and decisions, maybe it's best to keep the details under wraps and wait for things to play out on their own. In other words, you were right, mom.