Why Can't We Be Friends?
or what it means to be a good friend (even when it hurts)
What does it mean to be a good friend? Is it to selflessly give yourself to others, to vow unyielding dedication and loyalty no matter the circumstance? Or is it to accept fault and soothe hurt feelings just to keep the peace? When I ask myself these questions, I find that the answers make me sound rather shallow. I would describe myself as a loyal friend, but I am not one to accept blame when I’m not in the wrong, and I've never felt comfortable lying to someone in order to uphold their idea of what's "right." To me, placating is the same as being dishonest.
Of course, I’ve said my fair share of little white lies. Like when a friend asks your opinion on a guy, and you give them an awkward smile and say “Oh…he’s not bad looking.” Or when they’re acting completely obsessed and borderline stalkerish, but you help them find their ex’s new girlfriend on Instagram anyway and call her names that would get your feminist card revoked. I call these “necessary friend duties” or things that are unofficially officially required of you when entering a friendship. It’s a show of unwavering support for the person you’ve decided to let into the innermost circles of your life, reassured by the fact that they’ll show up for you in the same way.
But every so often, these scales are tipped, and one of you finds yourselves unsatisfied and disappointed—that’s worse than being angry. Emotions like anger or hurt can be remedied with time and changed behaviors. But when you start not liking someone, you are forced to face the reality of who they are and have to answer tough questions. Do they see you for who you are? Do you even have anything in common anymore? Will they be a bridesmaid at your wedding or will they see pictures of the ceremony on Instagram like everyone else?
It’s an indescribable sadness when you realize that you no longer recognize the person who you knew, and knew you, for years. It’s like losing a part of yourself. The late-night facetime calls, the drunk selfies in bars, the trauma dumping sessions, the inside jokes, and secrets you’ve never told anyone else—all of these gone with the person you shared them with.
It makes me realize how brave we are, to reveal so much of ourselves to another person, not knowing what lies down the road. A friendship could very well end in disaster, yet we take the risk anyway because, despite the fear, there is no better feeling than being known and accepted. But the moment when two people become strangers, everything changes. Suddenly, the strings that once held you together get tangled and knotted until it’s all a big mess.
When this happens, most of us tend to hold on and try to fix what’s broken. We overcompensate for the other person’s discontentment with extra exclamation points at the end of our text messages and walk on eggshells during casual conversation. Or maybe we avoid it completely and hope that not talking about it will make it go away. The truth is that none of it works in the end because once a friendship comes to a fork in the road, we are forced to make a choice. Do you continue collecting resentment, or do you part ways? They both hurt, but one is undoubtedly more honest than the other.
And that’s what I think makes a good friend; being honest enough to admit when something is wrong, even when the other person is the reason. It’s easy to pretend everything is fine, but it takes courage to face the possibility of losing someone in the process of doing right by both of you. Neglecting our feelings only keeps us imprisoned in a cell that we have the keys to open but instead throw out the window. A good friend gives both themselves, and the other person, the space to grow even if that means growing apart. There is actually no form of love more pure than to tell someone, “You may be unfamiliar to me now, but you’ve given me so much, and it’s time to bless someone else with the opportunity.”
There is a natural desire to take everything and everyone we’ve ever known with us into every chapter of our lives. Our biggest fear is to be alone and unknown in this unpredictable world. We want to hold on to the people we know and be comforted by their familiarity. But sometimes a lesson, or a person, isn't supposed to last a lifetime. We change as we grow up and it’s unfair to expect everyone around us to remain the same. We owe it to ourselves to share our lives with those who want to be a part of it. Unlike a marriage contract, we are not bound to our friendships, though sometimes it may feel that way. We’d suffer a lot less heartache if we created our relationships out of relating to one another and accepting that if and when we come to a point where there is nothing more between us, we should say goodbye and be grateful for what we shared. You simply separate, and hold all that love until you find someone else to give it to.